by Peter Kennedy
(A teacher, using a laser pointer, shows pictures to a class of students.)
The Hong Kong-Beijing government has issued an important circular on Health and Safety, together with a booklet of slogans for compulsory chanting in all schools.
(shows torch, it is turned on and off)
Now you may think this is a torch or flash-light of the kind you use when you go camping on Lantau (or whatever other nefarious activities you young people get up to). In fact, when it was turned on just now, a hundred pigeons dropped out of the skies over Shatin. This flash-gun caused a thousand cockroaches – already having a hard time in HK – to go blind. Anyone caught with such a flash-gun will be charged with rioting and be given a ten-year prison sentence.
Slogan: Comrades do it in the dark!
(shows eggs)
These are very dangerous objects. Have you not heard some rioters say, “you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs?” Is this not clear incitement? ‘Albumen’ is obviously code for ‘Albion’, “eggs easy over” means “the sovereign nation can easily be over-turned”. Anyone found buying half a dozen egg-grenades will be charged with rioting and be given a ten-year prison sentence.
Slogan: Comrades, Throw off the foreign yolk! Eat congee!
(shows chopsticks)
If I poke you in the eye with one of these lethal weapons you will be blind. If you look closely you can see the Black Hands of foreigners all over them, spreading their subversive germs. Anyone found with these chop-stabs will be charged with rioting and be given a ten-year prison sentence.
Slogan: Comrades! Eat with your hands!
(shows umbrella)
This is a weapon more dangerous than a rubber-bullet, a baton crack to the head, tear-gas or water-cannons. Some foreign elements (or victims of Liberal Studies indoctrination) claim it keeps them dry in the rain. Anyone found with these umber-guns will be charged with rioting and be given a ten-year prison sentence.
Slogan: Comrades! Walk wet!
(picks up a speck of dust)
Have you ever had dust in your eye? Yes? You know how hard it is to remove. Foreigners are now blowing dust over the Homeland. You know the phrase “A rolling stone gathers no moss?” Well, true patriots know “only a big crowd gathers dust”. Stay at home, run around patriotically naked. Anyone found with a gun-duster will be charged with rioting and be given a ten-year prison sentence. (Monocular DAB members and government officials are exempt from this law.)
Slogan: Dust to dust, Hong Kong to ashes!
Class dismissed.
Peter Kennedy was born in the Roman city of Chester near the Welsh border. He is of Irish and Welsh extraction. He has worked in Hong Kong since 1988. He holds degrees from the universities of Bristol, Sussex, Wales, Essex and Trinity College Dublin. Peter has taught in England, Greece, Czechoslovakia, Romania, Saudi Arabia, China, Brunei, and Hong Kong and has been a (literature) teacher for nearly 40 years. Until 2012, he was Associate Professor/Principal Programme Director (European Studies, HRM, English Studies) in the School of Professional and Continuing Education, the University of Hong Kong, in charge of a broad range of programmes from Diploma to doctorate levels. Nowadays he is enjoying a creative ‘Phase Two’ free from administrative duties.